I have been with my partner for four years now, and while we have spoken about getting married, I don't feel ready.

I do love her very much though. What do I do? Simon

Dear Simon,

The very fact that you have referred to her as your "partner" shows that you are committed and she has moved beyond "girlfriend" status.

However there are a few questions that need to be answered. Would you ever marry her? If the answer is no then is it marriage that you don’t believe in or is it that you don’t want to marry her?Then we also need to know what does marriage mean to her? Then finally, is it a dealbreaker? If she insists on marriage will you walk away? If you refuse to marry her will she walk away?

I counsel so many couples in exactly your predicament and the problem usually comes down to communication. Am I right in assuming that "speaking about marriage" was a vague conversation and that you have never sat down and been totally upfront with each other about your feelings and/or expectations? I understand the fear in doing this because you love each other and there might be a fear that once you open the barn door you’re not going to be able to regain control over the situation.

Before you go any further you need to decide why you feel you’re not ready. What it is that you feel you’re not ready for. When, if ever, you think you might be ready. What, if anything needs to happen before you would be ready.

Once you’ve answered these questions of yourself then the answer to the bigger question will be more clear.

Ask Jenni a question