If you’re looking for a more stringent detox regime, you might want to consider the mythical Master Cleanse. We forced our intrepid reporter Dale Shaw, to suffer 10 days of nothing. The Master Cleanse, devised over half a century ago by diet guru Stanley Burroughs, is a ten days, ten whole days, of pretty much zilch. No profiteroles, no foie gras, not even a smidgen of Bok Choi. Just Dr. Burrough’s magic mixture and whatever dust you can leach out of the atmosphere. It’s recently been recommended by none other than Beyonce. So with that celebrity endorsement ringing in my ears, I decided to take the plunge. While the regular juice-fast may skim a fine layer of toxic nasties from your inners, the Master Cleanse attacks them with a samurai sword, removing poisons that have been jetting around inside you since the womb. There are tales of people sweating out childhood splinters and bugs that flew up their noses a decade before. It’s a take-no-prisoners cavalcade of woe. For ten days, the Cleanser subsists on a mixture of water, lemon juice (organic and from real lemons, not from those plastic ones you get on Pancake Day), Grade B (i.e. expensive) maple syrup and cayenne pepper. You mix this up and chug it down, six to ten glasses a day, plus lots of water. These various ingredients angry up the toxins, which then have to be flushed. Now it gets unpleasant. Each night you drink some laxative tea. This may make you wake up in the night sprinting for the WC. Then in the morning you force down a preposterous amount of water, with pure sea salt dissolved in it. You know those ads where some magical potion flushes out a blockage in your U-bend with the remarkable force? Imagine that happening to your digestive system. You have to be on, or near, the lav for an hour and a half each morning. Woe betide you to skip out of the house before this process is over. Every now and then you can have a cup of peppermint tea for a treat. A TREAT! This also combats the appalling breath that is an unfortunate side effect. You are warned not to cheat or weaken and have a Hobnob, as this destroys all the good work you’ve achieved. So how did I do? Day one was appalling. Reminiscent of a scene from Trainspotting. I took to my bed with severe nausea, fatigue and general misery. Apparently this happens to those particularly toxic. Thanks. But the cleanse gurus assure you that any ill feeling you have will be flushed out the next morning. Sure enough, the following day I was better. The first few days were tough. You don’t get hungry, the juice sees to that, but you miss the physical action of eating. You long to chew, to taste. You do crave things, ridiculous things. But no matter how much I desired a sausage roll, the thought of actually inserting it into my body made me a bit queasy. After a time you get used to the non-eating. You’re able to function (though sleep was a problem for me) and even start to feel slightly better. There is a strange satisfaction from witnessing the vile stuff that leaves you each morning (sorry) and you do lose weight (about 2 pounds a day) though its not the purpose of the fast and the weight tends to go back on quite easily. It didn’t change my life, but a week and a half of not drinking booze and eating pop-tarts had to be an advance. I wouldn’t suggest it to anyone. It really is tough and you should certainly consult a doctor if you have any worries or health issues. But if you’re in reasonably good shape, have a healthy diet and have detoxed before, it is doable. Its hard, tough love for your body, but the effects can be amazing. Just ask Beyonce.

07 January 2008