ntlworld.com

I'm very sorry. Wink wink!

Monday, 03 July

Very sorry to everybody of course. It was another 2 hours of rearguard action where we hung on for dear life and I was sure we would win until the dreaded penalties. The French butcher Eric Cantona once said 'a penalty is not a chance, it is a goal.' I think someone should tell mad Frankie Lampard.

But finally we were undone by that dreadful winker Cristiano Ronaldo. Many people have called me a winker in the past of course but I urge you not to blame Rooney for his sending off. I was pleased with his stamp on Carvalho's vitals. Although Carvalho will now be unable to have any little Portu-geezers I can tell you that Rooney's metatarsal stood up to the stamp very well. He is now fully fit. Good news for the Scottish man I think. But please don't blame the boy. He comes from a poor family, look after him. Don't let him get into any more fights with the boys from other council estates.

There is much criticism of me not standing up and gesticulating in a big Phil Scolari manner throughout the game. But I jump out of my chair once, when one of my 346 credit cards digs rather sharply into my kidney. I wince in pain, leap up and bang the bus shelter with my fist. But mostly, I sit on the bench, for 120 mins, which is almost as long as little Theo. I think Theo had an excellent World Cup. He didn't put a foot wrong. And he takes back many memories of our stay in Germany. Playing on the carousel with the other children at the Baden Baden funfair and leaping for joy when he finds his lost teddy bear, Algernon. And I can tell you all that the grazed knee he sustained in the park in Baden Baden is now fully healed. Nancy of course is very upset Theo is leaving, no more bath-time playing with his "leetle dolphin" as Nancy charmingly calls his bathtime toy.

Big Steve McClaren also proves he will be a great decision maker for the job ahead. After scribbling furiously in a notepad throughout the first half he finally makes a decision and flashes his notepad at me. 'Hobnobs at half time I think Sven.' says the note. He will be the icing on England's biscuit.

Immediately after the game I am inconsolable of course so I try to contact Real Madrid president Jose Camacho Pedro Villa Tortilla III but I think my job application has been lost in the post and he doesn't answer my calls. But I hear a job at the glamorous Midlands city of Wolverhampton Wanderers is going after the resignation of Glen, 'You've Gotta Have Faith' Hoddle. It will be a difficult job. Several of the Wolves players are paying for sins in a former life I hear. Playing for Torquay United for instance...

But despite our defeat there is a big outbreak of love in our camp. Gerrard confesses that he will give Rooney a big lovely Scouse hug and even Rooney seems to have forgiven Ronaldo. He says he will 'stick one on him' when he gets back to Manchester. There is nothing like a kiss to resolve arguments. Although this never works as well as jewellery for Nancy..

And so I must take my leave now. I am very sorry of course but as Shakespeare's Henry V once said: 'Once more unto the beach dear friends.' I hear the Maldives is very pleasant at this time of year... Oh and just a quick note to the FA. No, you can't have the money back..."

posted by Swede @ 10.23AM

The Ecua-door is unlocked!

Sunday, 26 June

Another magnificient free-kick from my glorious captain Mr. Beckham, keeping up his magnificent strike rate of a goal every three years and we are squeaking through the Ecua-door to face the might of the Portu-geezer fellows.

Last week I told a press conference: "I am not married to David Beckham," but after that free-kick I may propose an engagement, if I can find a nice ring. Already Nancy has her suspicions and is asking me all sorts of questions. "You want to make jiggy-jiggy with him Sven?" she demands. "How many more ways you find to rub my face in dirt?" she screams. I will deal with her later, when I am manager of Real Madrid and can console her with several shopping trips to designer stores with Mrs. Posh.

Today we bask in victory and the quarter-finals and I reward the players with a special day trip to the top of Peter Crouch. Because I may be out of a job in August I charge everyone £5 for the excursion and little Theo is especially liking it. He climbs on top of Peter's head (after a gruelling two hour climb) screaming: "Sven, Sven! I can see across the whole city of Berlin!" Beckham becomes dizzy and sick halfway up and only manages to climb to Crouchy's left palm but it's still a magnificent view.

My successor, the man they call Big Steve McClaren is furiously scribbling notes during the Ecuador game. But it is not tactics. "Darling. Having a lovely time here in Stuttgart. Soon, all this will be mine," says the postcard. Mmm... I thump the bus shelter where I am sitting when Mad Frankie Lampard misses yet another shot at goal. Frankie couldn't even score with Ulrika at the moment. It is worrying."

So now we face the wily fat fellow, Big Phil 'Hackman' Scolari on Saturday. I am a fan of many of his films, French Connection, Superman and The Firm. But do I play a 4-1-4-1? 3-2-5-0? A revolving carousel formation? Who'll protect Stevie Gerrard? Who'll mop up after David has thrown up? Who'll hold Theo's hand during the penalities? Oh dear, now I feel sick...

posted by Swede @ 3.10AM

We take Stock-holm!

Wednesday, 21 June

Give me a Plan A! Give Me A Plan B! Give me another Plan B! Now go back to Plan A! Put it together and what have you got? ABBA! Hoorah for Sweden! Er, I mean England.

A rousing 2-2 draw with my homeland and I thought our performance was an inspiration..for Ecuador. Ha Ha! No, seriously. The result went exactly to plan of course. Again we are holding on for dear life for the last 30 minutes and it works perfectly. And of course we have avoided Germany. But when I tell Wayne Rooney this he is confused. "Er, I thought we were IN Germany like Sven la? Did the coach make a left turn while I was asleep like?"

But of course I feel terrible for Michael Owen. The injury is serious and could keep him out for 6 months. Apparently, he originally injured the ankle dashing between the stacked shelves in his ASDA adverts. If only he'd showed that kind of lightning speed in the earlier games. Sadly, Michael will be hobbling to his favourite bookmakers for the next few months...

In the second half Rio sustains an injury and I replace him with the disturbed Sol Campbell who has spent most of the time on the bench reading a book about philosophy and telling me about "the black hole of existence." "Don't you see how meaningless our lives are Sven in the greater scheme of things? How essentially evil, futile, and full of suffering the world is?" I make a mental note to stop Sol watching the EastEnders omnibus in his room, give him a couple of Prozac pills and send him on. He goes on to the field and immediately re-arranges the back four. "Remember, discursive thought can never transcend the nature of desire," he tells Jamie Carragher, who immediately punches him and brings him back to the present day. And just like rational thought, the ball sails over Sol's head for Sweden's second equaliser in the dying minutes...

Of course it was too late to bring on the boy Theo against Sweden. 9.20pm on the dot is Theo's bath time and he never likes to miss it. Bathtime for Theo is always special. He has one of those wind-up diver toys that goes underwater and of course, his little dolphin that often peaks its head out of the water. Theo's girlfriend Melanie is always laughing at Theo's little dolphin ... But Theo is still looking very sharp in training of course. No one ever sells him a dummy. He has brought twelve of his own.

After the match I receive an encouraging text from forgotten striker Jermaine Defoe who says he was gripped by the contest. "I was on the edge of my seat Sven," says Jermaine. "It was a real battle but to be honest, even if I'd been on the team I wouldn't have been any use. I always find the Weakest Link with Anne Robinson just too difficult. Still, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is on ITV2 in a minute. See you in the Nationwide next season yeah?"

Excuse me, the phone is ringing and it is Swedish Prime Minister Göran Persson wishing to congratulate me. See you in Stuttgart on Sunday.! Svennis.

posted by Swede @ 10.34AM

No Sleep 'til Sweden

Friday, 16 June

And so to Nuremberg where we are accommodated in the noisiest hotel in town. Luckily, I come up with a cunning plan. I issue the players with earplugs to sleep through the din and it works. We awake refreshed with just seven minutes to go before the end of the match against Trinidad & Tobago and Mr Crouch scores with his head, breaking the dreadlock and justifying my long ball tactics.

It is always satisfying to beat a team of part-timers from Gillingham, Wrexham and Falkirk who are ranked 47th in the Fifa World Rankings and today is no exception. I don't want to blame any sluggishness on the heat but of course, it was very hot. Bad news for the players and for me, Nancy always insists on wearing short hotpants in this weather and flirting with the players. This only scares them and often makes Theo cry. But a win is a win in my Swedish notebook and that is now two clean sheets, two more than I managed with the naughty Ulrika!

But the Scottish man Ferguson is not pleased. I awake to a writ in the post from his lawyers, Hamish, McTavish & Skinflint. It starts with a riddle. "Youse, Eriksson! What do you have in common with a 3-pin plug? You're both bugger-all use in Europe! Youse have no chance of winning anything and youse are skating on thin ice pal. See that boy Rooney? Play him again and I'll take youse for everything youse got. Your girlfriend Nancy will be wearing bin liners for designer dresses by the time I've finished." It is always nice to hear words of encouragement from my peers...

But there is some bad news with the boy Theo. His voice broke on Monday and he is very confused. He also failed his English GCSE yesterday after cramming some extra lessons from Beckham on Shakespeare. Theo was having trouble with the play Hamlet and the speech 'There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.' Beckham was confused. "But we're playing Sweden next ain't we?" And a speech from the play King Henry which began... "He hath eaten me out of house and home." also had Beckham offering his help. "That's Ronaldo," cried David. "He came round to mine last week and emptied the fridge. He's bigger than my Hummer now!"

Anyway, I hope to give Theo 10 minutes out on the park next Tuesday (supervised by an adult of course). Parks can be dangerous late at night...

See you in my favourite Cologne for the Sweden game!

posted by Swede @ 4.37AM

Hotter than a sauna!

Monday, 12 June

And so to Frankfurt for the game against Paraguay. Inside the stadium it is hotter than the Swedish sauna I used to share with Ulrika and many of the players wilt in the heat (although I never had that problem with Ms Jonsson!) With just two minutes gone Paraguay score with a brilliant header! I am crestfallen of course until Sammy Lee points out that it is we who have taken the lead and I am so ecstatic I actually loosen the top button of my shirt and ruffle my tie, ever so slightly. My tactics prove to be perfect. We score early on and then hold on for dear life for the next 85 minutes. Perfect! Now on to Trinidad & Tobago, where the yams come from I believe...

Of course the news about the boy Theo is not so good. I won't be playing him now. The Trinidad & Tobago game is at 5.00pm which is always Theo's teatime (jam sandwiches followed by a Club biscuit). And the Sweden game is at 8.00pm which is too late. Theo is usually tucked up in bed with an improving book by then. And of course he is also cramming for his GCSE's. Owen is helping him with some particularly tricky mathematics. Questions like: If one Newcastle striker bets £400,000 on the game being drawn at half-time at odds of 15-8 and then puts a further £200,000 on Newcastle winning the game at odds of 13-4 at full time. How much does he make? Michael is excellent at these questions of course and comes up with the answers straight away usually before starting up a card game with the other players (minimum entry fee £20,000).

Fortunately the news from the boy Rooney is good. Well, apart from coming from a poor family, his diet and the terrible hippety hoppety music he listens to. I am trying to improve his cultural appreciation. I gave him my Sven classical CD the other day and asked him if he had ever experienced any Shostakovich and he told me: "Thanks very much Sven like, but I prefer girls."

But the foot is getting better and better each day and we are feeding him his favourite food - Birds Eye beefburgers and smarties. Of course I am having several arguments with the Scottish man, Ferguson. It is the same old story, or 'Jockanory' if you like. He is phoning and ranting on a daily basis giving me the hairydryer treatment, (even though Nancy usually does my hair). "Look, youse f***ing pickled herring. Play him and I'll sue you for everything youse got see? He might be able to hop on one foot by August but that's it alright?"

I don't think I will be sharing a pint of the 'wee heavy' as the Scottish gentlemen call it, with Mr. F. anytime soon. Of course it's ridiculous. He couldn't sue me for everything I've got. He'd never find all the money for a start...

posted by Swede @ 11.11AM

Wayne's World

Wednesday, 31 May 06

Rooineed?

Of course Wayne Rooney's injury is terrible for the team. When I heard that Colleen had dropped her wallet on his foot my heart sank. I immediately phoned the boy to offer a Swedish massage from Ulrika or maybe Faria but Wayne said he preferred an older woman. Perhaps my 98-year-old grandmother could help. Coincidentally she is also injured and needs a hip replacement.

I told Wayne to console himself by training regularly and counting his money at night but he says he gets stuck after counting up to £10. I managed to secure an advertising deal for the boy to cheer him up. Kit Kat have sponsored his plaster cast with the slogan: 'Have a break, have a Kit-Kat.' Wayne is usually eating about 15 of these chocolate bars a day so of course he is really over the moon, as they say." It will supplement his lard sandwiches and pork pie diet nicely....

posted by Swede @ 5.59PM

Carry On Theo!

Wednesday, 24 May 06

Putting the boy through his paces...

Just a few days to go now and of course, I am very excited, so excited I put an extra helping of low fat margarine on my Swedish crispbread for breakfast this morning. The boy Walcott excites me, of course and Nancy is also excited by him. People are thinking I picked him because of his pace and this is partly true but the real reason is that Nancy is hoping to adopt next year and wanted a trial run with a young lad.

Since I picked him, Theo has been over to the house regularly, spending a lot of time with Nancy who has really brought him on, undertaking his personal development and training with him every evening. I don't know what they get up to, I have been busy with updating my CV but Nancy says Theo has a lethal weapon and she is right of course, he has a tremendous right foot.

Nancy also reports that Theo's staminia is amazing and he never stops working. This gives me great confidence for the World Cup of course. Just listen to these endorsements from some of the top people in the game. It gives me great hope for the tournament.

Robert Pires: "He's a great player to come off the bench and he's quicker than Thierry Henry!"

Arsene Wenger: "He can be lethal."

Nancy: "He's a great finisher!"

Of course I was torn with the selection. It was a toss-up between Walcott and The Apprentice winner Michelle Dewberry. I think she is a team player with a range of skills to fit in any position and of course, she looks a little bit Swedish. I certainly wouldn't 'boot' her out of bed. Ha ha. You are seeing a bit of Swedish humour there I think. Er, please don't let Nancy read this....

posted by Swede @ 5.54PM