Separation and divorce can be devastating for children - not just the adults involved.

With any separation it's important for you to help your children understand and cope with both the short-term and long-term effects.

One of the worst things you can do as a parent is fall into the trap of thinking that your children don't notice what's going on around them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some parents prefer to perpetuate the myth that if a mother or father leaves the family home, the children won't suffer in any way. It's a dangerous trap to fall into.

When parents decide to divorce, there will have been a series of events and discussions that have led them to make the decision. Whether the children are clued up on their parents' thinking depends on several things.

Some parents may argue frequently in front of their children, while others prefer to talk quietly about their differences, leaving the children out of the loop completely. Regardless of the method of communication and interaction between adults, when it comes to divorce, children need to know.

How children react

Many children go through their parents' divorce with relatively few problems or permanent negative effects. However, for some, the effects of divorce can be traumatic and long-lived.

Sadly, when parents get divorced the separation between parent and child is also inevitable. Observing and helping children deal with this departure is probably one of the most important roles you have as a parent.

Without doubt, children will be questioning their feelings and it's your duty as a parent to guide your children through the divorce process. Trust is the key - it's a key factor when establishing a healthy line of communication and openness with your children.

What to say

There are steps you can take to help minimise the trauma that a divorce may inflict on your children:

• Above all, be honest and allow your children to react to the news in their own way.
• Ideally, have both parents present when telling the children about the divorce. Discuss what you're going to say beforehand. Keep explanations simple and honest. Avoid pointing the finger of blame at all cost.
• Make sure your children understand that the divorce is not their fault. Children often feel guilty and implicated when parents divorce - stress that this is not the case and it's not their responsibility to 'fix' the family.
• Tell your children that you love them. It's fundamental that children understand that the love shared between parent and child is different than the love shared between husband and wife. Stress that your love for them is unconditional.
• Also, reinforce the idea that it's perfectly okay to love both mum and dad. Children shouldn't be made to feel that they need to take sides or worry about losing the love of a parent.
• Finally, ask your children about their feelings and concerns. Give them time to think about the divorce and adjust to the big changes ahead. Meet up as a family as often as possible and talk about the latest steps. It's your duty as a parent to reassure your children that you'll have an ongoing involvement in their lives.