Dear Jenni...

I have lived with my partner for the last seven years. My sons live with their dad but my partner's son lives with us and I just can't stand him! He is 14. I am on the verge of telling my partner how I feel but I think that he might finish with me. Please help I have tried to get on with him.

Jenny says...

As the mother of a 13 year-old I know how difficult they can be, maybe the solution is to put the one with you and mine in their own flat and we'll live happily ever after! Just wanted to lighten the mood slightly before touching on what might be a highly sore spot...

Please hear me out completely before you start protesting. Do you think maybe there is a chance that your resentment of this lad is more about the absence of your own sons? I know that if my son lived with his father and then I got involved with someone else who had a son and he lived with us - well I have to say it might be a bit hard for me.

Has he lived with you for the entire time you have been with your partner? And if so was there ever a time when the relationship between you and the boy worked well? It is highly possible that your feelings towards him are just the normal difficulties-of-dealing-with-a-hormonal-teenage-boy variety. In which case don't worry reliable authority tells me that it passes with time. Telling your partner that you "can't stand" his son is possibly not the best way to go (the agony aunt says gently...)

I think the safest thing for you to do is to investigate with someone where your true feelings are coming from on this. I truly believe it is important for you to do this for your own sake, your partner's sake and even for the lad you can't stand because I'll bet he knows it. When people come to me for counselling we very often find through working together that what they felt was the original problem is actually only a symptom of the real issue.

Go to your GP and tell him that you're having difficulties dealing with these emotions and ask for a referral. I am certain this can be sorted; please try before you throw away something precious to you. Good luck!